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It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand, by Megan Devine
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Review
“It’s OK That You’re Not OK is a permission slip to feel what you feel, do what you do, and say what you say, when life finds you in a place of profound loss and the world seems hell-bent on telling you the right way to get back to being the person you'll never again be.” —Jonathan Fields, author of How to Live a Good Life, founder of Good Life Project “Megan Devine has captured the grief experience: grief is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be honored. She understands the pain that grieving people carry on top of their actual grief, including the pain of being judged, dismissed, and misunderstood. It’s OK That You’re Not OK is the book I’ve been waiting for for 30 years—the one I can recommend to any newly bereaved parent, widow, widower, or adult grieving a death.” —Donna Schuurman, senior director of advocacy and training at The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families “In this beautifully written offering for our broken hearts, Megan Devine antidotes the culture’s messed up messages about bearing the unbearable. We don’t have to apologize for being sad! Grief is not a disease from which we must be cured as soon as possible! Rather, the landscape of loss is one of the holiest spaces we can enter. Megan serves as our fearless, feisty, and profoundly compassionate guide.” —Mirabai Starr, translator of Dark Night of the Soul: John of the Cross and author of Caravan of No Despair: A Memoir of Loss and Transformation “This book is POWERFUL. Too many grief books focus on ‘getting over it,’ but this book says: ‘Look grief in the eye. Sit with it.’ It’s OK That You’re Not OK comes at grief with no flinching. It’s intelligent and honest. It’s a message that everyone who has ever dealt with loss needs to read.” —Theresa Reed, author of The Tarot Coloring Book “Our current cultural norms surrounding death render us incapable of dealing with grief authentically and result in unknowingly causing more hurt and suffering to not only ourselves, but the people we care about most. It’s OK That You’re Not OK is the perfect how-to manual to help heal and support ourselves, each other, and our death-avoidant society.” —Sarah Chavez, executive director of The Order of the Good Death “Megan Devine knows grief intimately: she’s a therapist and a widow. In this wonderfully honest and deeply generous book, Devine confronts the reality of grieving and reminds us that ‘love is the thing that lasts.’” —Jessica Handler, author of Invisible Sisters: A Memoir and Braving the Fire: A Guide to Writing About Grief and Loss “It’s OK That You’re Not OK is a wise and necessary book. Megan Devine offers a loving, holistic, and honest vision of what it means to ‘companion each other inside what hurts.’” —Steve Edwards, author of Breaking into the Backcountry “In a culture that leaves us all woefully unprepared to navigate grief, Megan Devine’s book is a beacon for a better way of relating. It’s OK That You’re Not OK shows us the path to be companions, rather than saviors, to loved ones who are experiencing deep pain. This book should be required reading for being human.” —Kate McCombs, relationship educator and creator of Tea & Empathy events “Megan Devine tells the truth about loss, and in doing so, she normalizes an experience that has been censored and stigmatized. It’s OK That You’re Not OK is enormously comforting and validating. Through her life work—and now this important book—Megan leads us to a place that’s rare in our culture: a place where our loss is valued and honored and heard.” —Tré Miller Rodríguez, author of Splitting the Difference: A Heart-Shaped Memoir “One of the hardest things about going through hard times is trying to get and give support. In It’s OK That You’re Not OK Megan Devine guides us through tough times with grace. With loving acceptance and compassion, Megan is the new, warm perspective you need.” —Vanessa Van Edwards, author of Captivate and behavioral investigator at ScienceofPeople.com “Megan Devine shows us that rather than treat grief as an illness to recover from, we can approach it with warmth and understanding. This is an invaluable book.” —Rene Denfeld, bestselling author of The Enchanted and The Child Finder “This book is the radical take on grief we all need. Megan Devine breaks apart stereotypes and societal expectations that layer additional suffering on top of the intense heartbreak of loss. For those in grief, these words will bring comfort and a deep sense of recognition. With precise language, insightful reflections, and easy-to-implement suggestions, this book is a flashlight for finding a way in the darkest times. For anyone looking to support others in their grief, this is required reading!” —Jana DeCristofaro, coordinator of Children’s Grief Services, The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families “Megan Devine’s hard-won wisdom has the power to normalize and validate the experience of grief. If you’re tired of being asked, ‘Are you better now?’ read this book for a fresh perspective.” —Chris Guillebeau, New York Times bestselling author of The Happiness of Pursuit “Grief support and understanding that is heartfelt, straightforward, and wise.” —Jack Kornfield, author of A Path with Heart
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About the Author
Megan DevineMegan Devine is a writer, speaker, and advocate for emotional change on a cultural level. She holds a master’s in counseling psychology. Since the tragic loss of her partner in 2009, Megan has emerged as a bold new voice in the world of grief support. Her contributions via her site Refuge in Grief have helped create sanctuary for those in pain and encouragement for those who want to help. For more, visit refugeingrief.com.Mark NepoMark Nepo is a poet and philosopher who has taught in the fields of poetry and spirituality for over 35 years. A New York Times #1 bestselling author, he has published 19 books and recorded 14 audio projects. Mark has been interviewed three times by Oprah Winfrey as part of her Soul Series radio show, and was interviewed by Robin Roberts on Good Morning America. As a cancer survivor, Mark devotes his writing and teaching to the journey of inner transformation and the life of relationship. Mark's work is widely accessible and used in spiritual retreats, healing and medical communities, and more. His work has been translated into 20 languages, and he continues to offer readings, lectures, and retreats. Visit MarkNepo.com for more info.
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Product details
Paperback: 280 pages
Publisher: Sounds True; Unabridged edition (October 1, 2017)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 9781622039074
ISBN-13: 978-1622039074
ASIN: 1622039076
Product Dimensions:
5.2 x 0.8 x 7.8 inches
Shipping Weight: 9.1 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.8 out of 5 stars
359 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#999 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
I've been gifted, loaned and purchased many grief books in the two years since my son died. I can honestly say that none of those texts resonated with me and the truth of my grief experience more than Megan Devine's new book. She is a credible source of useful information, bringing not only her educational and occupational background to bear but more importantly her own life experience with deep loss and a broken culture. Above all, she is a truth teller and an advocate you'll want in your grief space.The beauty of this book is the universal insights it offers for EVERYONE who has experienced deep grief or desires to genuinely support another in their loss. The author outlines a refreshing take on grief for the reader's consideration, one where acknowledgment and a desire to love better are critical components in supporting ourselves and each other following a significant loss (ie. death, accident, illness, etc.) She adeptly explains the model's concepts in lay terms, provides numerous examples for better understanding, and recommends practical exercises that one can use to help identify and manage the impact of grief. The quotes from her writing students are especially relevant and poignant.I found Megan's work validating and thought-provoking, especially concepts such as her broader definition of "early grief", common platitudes (and why I feel their adverse affect), the critical distinction between pain and suffering (and how to minimize latter), grief as an experiment rather than a problem to be solved, and the vital role of acknowledgment and companionship in creating a way forward. One of my favorite sections is the appendix, an essay on helping a grieving friend, which offers carefully-crafted and readily shareable ground rules for supporting a loved one.I'd recommend reading this book if you or a loved one are in the midst of deep grief and looking for validation, guidance, and honesty in a post-loss world. This book, and especially the associated resources available at refugeingrief.com, are powerful tools for navigating your grief landscape with love and understanding. It's permission to grieve in your way and in your time ... and this has made all the difference in my own post-loss landscape.
The book is great in many ways, but I got quite turned off early on when she ranks deaths and makes it clear that there are some more worthy of prolonged grief than others. The examples of unworthy losses are pets and grandparents. (Neither were the reason I bought the book, personally.) Her own personal worthy death was the unexpected loss of her husband in his late thirties. In my experience, the intensity of the loss has more to do with the meaning the loss had to the individual, not how non-normative it is.
This is the book I wish I had read when I was writing a sympathy card and straining to figure out what to say to make it better (nothing will make it better), or when someone spoke about a horrible loss and I thought I was on the spot to say something to help the person get closer to closure (there is no closure).This is the book I wish I had read before my wife died, and person after person heaped misguided platitudes and unsolicited advice, and the world demanded words when I had none.The best time to read this book is before you need it - chapter 9 details why, going into detail about how grief alters the mind - throws us into a wordless place, obliterates concentration, alters experiences of memory and sense of time, and viscerally commands a new perspective on what matters. It can take years to realize a new normal.Each chapter is short, each sentence to the point. The table of contents is clearly labeled and well organized so that readers can quickly identify which pages to read to better understand and respond to a specific need or experience. 

This book has given me a better appreciation of the non-negotiable demands grieving places on body and mind. I let go of the misplaced effort to rush myself or others through "healing" or toward a "completion" that can never be, and now know how to be present with unbearable pain and unfixable horror.
I disagree with other people who say that Megan is giving off a tone of anger. She's not angry, she's raw, honest, & direct as to how this loss affected her & how most grief resources she had at the time didn't help her with her profound loss.I have followed her site, Refuge In Grief for over a year or more now. I have had a lot of profound losses in my life - friends, family members, & other people in my life. I'm about to lose my father. I am reading this now, & it's helping me with all of it present & past pain. It may not be a perfect fit for everyone, as everyone grieves differently but I know Megan is out to help people in deep pain who feel misunderstood & alone with this weight. Her intent is true. I'm glad the book is out there, I've gifted it to some friends & family that I hope it will resonate with & help.
Handling loss is an inevitable part of life, yet our cultural and social norms fail badly to equip us in this area. It's Ok That You're Not Ok should be required reading for all of us to lean how to handle this part of life. While I haven't experienced an out of order death myself, I found the information in the book to be immensely helpful, and I feel less scared to hold what can feel like the awkward grief of someone else.
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